The instruction to lower our wings of humility is directly from our Creator who knows all that has transpired between us and our parents. He has not permitted rudeness under no account. The Qur'an says: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you are kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life say not to them a word of contempt nor repel them but address them with words of honour. And out of kindness lower to them your wing of humility and say: "My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood’.” (Qur'an 17 verses 23 and 24)
For those who had grudges against their parents due to previous incidences of abandonment, neglect, abuse, discriminations, etc and have in turn abandoned their parents or have been rude to them or even disrespected them privately or publicly, God offers forgiveness in the verse immediately following the above: “Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts: if you do deeds of righteousness verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence)” (Qur'an 17 verse 25) You may well wonder why you need to seek forgiveness for giving them a dose of their own pill? Well, under no circumstance are you allowed to behave injuriously to your parents!
Firstly, in Islam, the consequences of someone’s failure will be faced by them either in this world or in the next world, and the consequence of your own actions will similarly confront you in due course. Therefore, do not let someone’s error cause your bitter reactions leading to unintended consequence – your doom.
The place of parenthood in Islam is such that kindness to parents is an act of piety, a measure of your humility and obedience of God. Love and care for parents is more than simple human gratitude, it is purely divine and spiritual. Abdullah Yusuf Ali similarly concluded, “our spiritual advancement is tested by this: we cannot expect Allah's forgiveness if we are rude or unkind to those who unselfishly brought us up.”
Although it is encouraged that though they may have failed once in a while to show you compassion and fairness when you were young, weak and helpless; now that they are old, weak and hapless and you are strong, viable and mobile, you should nevertheless still return the favour they bestowed upon you. Yes, that is true, but that is not the main reason why you should be kind and humble to them. It is basically the respect for the sanctity of parenthood. Did you not notice how God placed kindness to parent next to worship of Himself? “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you are kind to your parents….” Kindness to parents is akin to divine love and negligence of this duty is similar or equal to negligence of duty to your Creator. None of these can be excused. Never!
Patience and understanding is therefore important in dealing with aged parents. There is consequence if you take a dim view of this instruction.
For those who have lost their parents, there is still something you can do for them to show your kindness towards them. A man asked Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), “O Messenger of God, is there any kindness left that I can do to my parents after their death?” He (peace be upon him) replied: “Yes, you can invoke blessings on them, forgiveness for them, carry out their final instructions after their death, join ties of relationship which are dependent on them, and honour their friends.” Simple! Islam does not ask you to do anything beyond your capability.
“On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error….” (Qur'an 2 verse 286)
- Contributed by Shamsideen AbuSuad, UK.
Totally agreed but brother this is on the proviso that parents cherished their children and fulfilled their duties when the child was young and everything in degrees. The parent that abuses its child, doesn't feed it, or worse still physically or sexually abuses it is not of this verse and neither is that applicable in my reasoning..there is no humility for such people (e.g. Baby Peter's mother) and in such a case a child should leave them but they have a right via the Islamic sharia system to ensure such a parent is tried for doing a wrong to them - which of course is a wrong in the deen
ReplyDeleteSalaam Alayk Swordsmen,
ReplyDeleteI understand your concern and thoughts.
Indeed, you are right that parents who abuse their children commit a wrong in the deen and that there is Shariah provision to prosecute them. However, there are different strands to this issue:
1. Allah will judge Parents by their intentions towards (and how they treat) their children.
2. The Shariah has provision for abuse in the community and this must be allowed to proceed.
3. Everyone is responsible for their actions, including the children's action towards their parents, regardless of their parents actions towards them.
Allah's instructions regarding kind treatment of parents is clear and our disregards of such instruction will not be justified by others actions towards us. This is very important in relationships because it could kick-start a catch 22 situation where one party accuses the other of starting the ill-treatment. And it goes round and round without an end in sight. Hence everyone is responsible for him/herself where Allah's instruction on responsibilities and relationships are concerned. Allah says, "Do not let your hatred make you unjust to another person. Be just!"
We are instructed by the Rasul (pbuh) to be kind towards those who refuse to show us kindness as long. Even parents who disobey or disbelieve Allah must still be obeyed because it is their God-Given Right to be obeyed as long as such obedience is not a disobedience of Allah's injunction.
The following hadith underlines the importance of Kinship in Islam. The Prophet said, "Allah created the creations, and when He finished from His creations, Ar-Rahm, i.e., womb, said, '(O Allah) at this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me (i.e. sever the ties of kith and kin).' Allah said, 'Yes, won't you be pleased that I will keep good relations with the one who will keep good relations with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relations with you.' It said, 'Yes, O my Lord.' Allah said, 'Then that is for you.' " Allah's Apostle added, "Read (in the Qur'an) if you wish, the Statement of Allah: 'Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land and sever your ties of kinship?' (Qur'an 47 verse 22)"
Allah knows best!
Jazak'Allahu khairan for this response - excellent and noted
ReplyDeleteSalam alaykum,
ReplyDeleteMay Allah reward you all for the daily messages. i just needed to get some more insight on a situation where the mother refuses to accept gifts or money from the son because he refused to listen to her in the choice of who he wants to marry. The son is willing to send her money for her upkeep but she refuses to take it.
Thanks for your question, Anonymous.
ReplyDelete1. The son is really doing right by trying his best to want to maintain relationship with his mother despite her refusal of such positive offers and efforts. Once must never be tired of such gestures even if it takes years and years or even a lifetime. Allah rewards our intention and we are rewarded as if we actually carried out the intention, that is a massive grace from Allah and the limitless gift of good intention.
2. As previously mentioned "there is no obedience to a creature (including parents) if it will amount to a disobedience of Allah." If a man is marrying someone the Shariah permits him to marry and the parents have no legal basis to refuse, if he tried his best to convince them, but they refuse, he has a right to go ahead and marry this person. If it is a shariah state, the Qari (Judge) would interceed, where the parents are still refusing, the Qadi will give the go ahead with the nikah/marriage and even stand in as a walih/guardian if required. However, it is important to listen to parents when it comes to their advice as they have more experience in life and they are probably a better judge of character. BUT, they must be able to communicate this to their son and convince him, otherwise, if they cannot convince him, they should support him with dua (supplication) iinstead of allowing their personal opinion to destroy the relationship with their child. All these also apply if the child is a daughter, by the way.
3. Although disagreeing on an issue should remain simply localised top that issue, very often, we see a single issue/disagreement cause a permanent/eternal rift amongst people. A relationship built over a decate or three is suddenly destroyed over a single issue fall-out. If this is the case, the son should make all efforts to mend the relationship and invite families and friend to help in this matter.
It may also be that there is a reason why a parent might insist and giving a reason may expose them or their past, we should keep this in mind while differing. It is still their responsibility to communicate to their child and not insist without reason.
4. Finally, since the intention is to person a duty to one's parent, we should do it via different means, like giving the money to a sibling indirectly or through relatives and her friends without anyone declaring the source, while efforts are still being made to mend the relationship.
Allah knows best.